ok so here's the deal. I'm still not over him it's now getting incredibly stupid, my brain is constantly screaming "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU YOU STUPID BINT GET A LIFE" but I just can't quite let it go.
I am still doing things for his benefit. I haven't eaten for days, my abs are constantly burning from the millions of sit ups, my legs hurt from the miles I'm running. And yeah I've lost half a stone in 2 days, but if we think about this logically he didn't leave me because I'm fat as I know he found me attractive (though fuck knows why), he left me because I'm psychotic. No other reason.
So I will go to 6th form in Cambridge weighing 7 stone. But he won't care. He won't even know.
I could go on writing for hours. Pointless words that won't get my best friend/lover back..so I won't I'll just go for a run.
Thursday 26 July 2007
Tuesday 26 June 2007
-rolls eyes-
I just remembered, I wrote that last blog for a reason. Wanted to post some new poetry y'see. I just forgot so here goes nothing. Here's 2 different semi-songs, just need my guitarist to look at them and decide on tunes.
First one is about summer (duh)
She's still wearing the same shoes,
part of who she used to be,
the laces,
tied round that old tree.
Some days,
she remembers the promises she made,
The people she betrayed,
by running away.
But she's okay.
James would be proud of me..je suis l'emo cheri!
First one is about summer (duh)
These recycled trends,
from the highstreet,
old friends,
old beats,
we've heard them before,
but we want to hear more.
Le Chorus
Get outside,
grow up,
fall in love,
come alive,
lie in the sun,
with our loved ones,
we wouldn't want to change a thing,
this is were we belong.
This makes our lives mean something
The boys with neon smiles,
looking for a bit of fun,
last a while,
love in the sun,
not meant to be a permanent thing,
just a beautiful summer fling
girls with glittering eyes,
with killer bodies
want to feel alive,
boys to be forgotten.
Want to make the best of the sun,
and they're not the only ones
from the highstreet,
old friends,
old beats,
we've heard them before,
but we want to hear more.
Le Chorus
Get outside,
grow up,
fall in love,
come alive,
lie in the sun,
with our loved ones,
we wouldn't want to change a thing,
this is were we belong.
This makes our lives mean something
The boys with neon smiles,
looking for a bit of fun,
last a while,
love in the sun,
not meant to be a permanent thing,
just a beautiful summer fling
girls with glittering eyes,
with killer bodies
want to feel alive,
boys to be forgotten.
Want to make the best of the sun,
and they're not the only ones
Not brilliant that one as I was aiming to write in a proper structure as Guitarist tells me that is what I am meant to do. -growls- Okay this other one needs more in it but I quite like the imagery.
She's sat in the same tree,
for 10 years,
The laces on her converse,
are missing,
just like part of her.
Now she's 16,
ready to fly,
but her laces are missing,
as is part of her mind.
She left it behind,
in the bark of that tree,
when things started to go wrong.
She sees her life
as a story book,
Few ties,
To reality except,
the laces from her converse,
tied round the trunk of the tree.
As a momento
"Don't forget me,"
she whispers,
"It's just time for me to go"
She promises to remain aloof,
promises not to forget you.
Now she's out in the big wide world,
Windswept,
And unknown,
Her hair blows,
Across her face,
So no-one knows her name.
Out here in the big city,
walks with her head down,
Just another beat on the pavement,
to pity,
Another little girl,
lost in a big town.
She's sat in the same tree,
for 10 years,
The laces on her converse,
are missing,
just like part of her.
Now she's 16,
ready to fly,
but her laces are missing,
as is part of her mind.
She left it behind,
in the bark of that tree,
when things started to go wrong.
She sees her life
as a story book,
Few ties,
To reality except,
the laces from her converse,
tied round the trunk of the tree.
As a momento
"Don't forget me,"
she whispers,
"It's just time for me to go"
She promises to remain aloof,
promises not to forget you.
Now she's out in the big wide world,
Windswept,
And unknown,
Her hair blows,
Across her face,
So no-one knows her name.
Out here in the big city,
walks with her head down,
Just another beat on the pavement,
to pity,
Another little girl,
lost in a big town.
She's still wearing the same shoes,
part of who she used to be,
the laces,
tied round that old tree.
Some days,
she remembers the promises she made,
The people she betrayed,
by running away.
But she's okay.
James would be proud of me..je suis l'emo cheri!
Tortured Artiste?
Afternoon all, firstly, this site is annoying me (no surprise really) I may just be being thick but I actually can't put links on my page or upload a picture. Wtaf?
I am being lazy today =D Still in my pjs with the dog curled up next to me eating viennese biscuit things from M&S. Things always taste better from M&S don't you think? Probably to do with the fact they are extortionately expensive.
I need to write a new CV as the one from last year is probably so cringe worthy I can't even look at it. The problem is that results don't come through until nearly the end of the holidays. I personally think that is incredibly inconsiderate as I can only use my mock results to help prove my employability (or lack of it).
I also muchly need a diary and address book to put my new contacts and appointments in before I forget them, which is likely to happen in the coming alcohol and narcotics infused days. I also need to go and cook something for lunch, but I can't (be bothered). One day I shall be rich enough to have a chef!!
Anyway yes, back to watching Loose Women/rotting my brain whatever you want to call it. Jeremy Kyle, ie God, is going to be on in a minute. Must go find my foam finger with Jezza #1 on =D
I am being lazy today =D Still in my pjs with the dog curled up next to me eating viennese biscuit things from M&S. Things always taste better from M&S don't you think? Probably to do with the fact they are extortionately expensive.
I need to write a new CV as the one from last year is probably so cringe worthy I can't even look at it. The problem is that results don't come through until nearly the end of the holidays. I personally think that is incredibly inconsiderate as I can only use my mock results to help prove my employability (or lack of it).
I also muchly need a diary and address book to put my new contacts and appointments in before I forget them, which is likely to happen in the coming alcohol and narcotics infused days. I also need to go and cook something for lunch, but I can't (be bothered). One day I shall be rich enough to have a chef!!
Anyway yes, back to watching Loose Women/rotting my brain whatever you want to call it. Jeremy Kyle, ie God, is going to be on in a minute. Must go find my foam finger with Jezza #1 on =D
Monday 25 June 2007
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Sorry to be a pain (or not, because, as James says, I am an emo, so I like moaning, in an annoying, and badly punctuated, way) but I am incredibly frustrated. Big Brother is currently rotting my brain but I can't quite take my eyes of it in favour of reading law reports, it's just not quite the same! I really really want some diet coke, I just can't be bothered to get up to get some. Luckily, I get to have a lie in tomorrow, that makes me incredibly happy and then after that it's time to start blanketing my town with my CV and references to find some sort of employment for the summer.
Now, here is where the problems start; I'm getting supremely disillusioned with the whole thing if I'm honest. I don't have a concrete place at any 6th form, reputable or otherwise and it's beginning to sink in just how far I have to go to get where I want. Also, I miss a certain boy who isn't my boyfriend but who loves me. Which is nice ^^. I also still miss my ex, which is absurd because, as everyone keeps reminding me he was woman beating scum who fucked me over at every opportunity..Always did like the bad boys. Singing lesson tomorrow, last ever ever ever with my teacher who has known me since year 5 -sob-
Sympathy from friends via msn and facebook if you please? Lottie..call me. Thankies (love you)
Now, here is where the problems start; I'm getting supremely disillusioned with the whole thing if I'm honest. I don't have a concrete place at any 6th form, reputable or otherwise and it's beginning to sink in just how far I have to go to get where I want. Also, I miss a certain boy who isn't my boyfriend but who loves me. Which is nice ^^. I also still miss my ex, which is absurd because, as everyone keeps reminding me he was woman beating scum who fucked me over at every opportunity..Always did like the bad boys. Singing lesson tomorrow, last ever ever ever with my teacher who has known me since year 5 -sob-
Sympathy from friends via msn and facebook if you please? Lottie..call me. Thankies (love you)
"Kiss Me Goodbye, I'm Defying Gravity"
Best day ever ever ever today! Went to London for a sort of mini pupillage at Temple Gardens. Still not entirely sure which Inn that's part of? Middle Temple?
Had to get up at 6! Arrived 2 hours early, drove around, drank diet coke, read The Times to be "upto date".
The barrister I was shadowing settled his case yesterday so I went to the RCJ with another woman who had a hearing before the master to get approval for an injunction certificate to be issued in Italy to stop some Italian IBM man stealing employees whilst the case is pending.
The master was so scary. I was sat quietly at the back, I was just like aaargh. He kept going "but what is the order..yes but what is it?!..But my problem is that it can't be enforced in Italy as it was made by undertakings" Anyway, in the end he decided to sign the certificate and let the Italian courts worry about enforcement.
Went back to 2TG; glorious sunshine. Then my barrister took me round law london, showed me all the important places. Went in 2 of the libraries..Lincoln's and another one..hmmmmmmmmm..modernish..lot's of rooms, don't have to ask for the big reference books, blue carpets?
It poured it down all the time we were outside, torrential rain, ridiculous! Stopped as soon as we got inside naturally. Then tried to go in Temple Church, but there was a memorial service so we got chucked out..pfffffffffffffft!
Went for lunch at Middle Temple Dining place thing..won't be able to go there again for yeeeeeears as it isn't open to the general public. Beautiful place, yummy food =D Oh I also saw Lincolns dining room, amaaaaaaaazing!!
Then I looked at some particulars of claim from solicitors..appalling! Most of them can't even spell!! "it's" instead of "its" pfffffffft. And theeeeeeen I wrote a chronology for a case that's being appealed by us (the defendant) on Wednesday. That was really interesting, proper barristering ^^
Amusingly, the Claimant asked for a debarring order before action had even begun. It was granted. However, everyone seems to have forgotten about it! Odd huh?! Preliminary damages have already been awarded in favour of the Claimant however we are appealing as the Claimant has been using his own pain management specialist and psychologist. Un peu shady if you ask me!
Theeeeeen I got the train back from Liverpool street on my own for the first time ever =D So all in all a pretty amazing day ^^ Totally want to become a barrister now, only 10 years until I can apply for pupillage!!
Had to get up at 6! Arrived 2 hours early, drove around, drank diet coke, read The Times to be "upto date".
The barrister I was shadowing settled his case yesterday so I went to the RCJ with another woman who had a hearing before the master to get approval for an injunction certificate to be issued in Italy to stop some Italian IBM man stealing employees whilst the case is pending.
The master was so scary. I was sat quietly at the back, I was just like aaargh. He kept going "but what is the order..yes but what is it?!..But my problem is that it can't be enforced in Italy as it was made by undertakings" Anyway, in the end he decided to sign the certificate and let the Italian courts worry about enforcement.
Went back to 2TG; glorious sunshine. Then my barrister took me round law london, showed me all the important places. Went in 2 of the libraries..Lincoln's and another one..hmmmmmmmmm..modernish..lot's of rooms, don't have to ask for the big reference books, blue carpets?
It poured it down all the time we were outside, torrential rain, ridiculous! Stopped as soon as we got inside naturally. Then tried to go in Temple Church, but there was a memorial service so we got chucked out..pfffffffffffffft!
Went for lunch at Middle Temple Dining place thing..won't be able to go there again for yeeeeeears as it isn't open to the general public. Beautiful place, yummy food =D Oh I also saw Lincolns dining room, amaaaaaaaazing!!
Then I looked at some particulars of claim from solicitors..appalling! Most of them can't even spell!! "it's" instead of "its" pfffffffft. And theeeeeeen I wrote a chronology for a case that's being appealed by us (the defendant) on Wednesday. That was really interesting, proper barristering ^^
Amusingly, the Claimant asked for a debarring order before action had even begun. It was granted. However, everyone seems to have forgotten about it! Odd huh?! Preliminary damages have already been awarded in favour of the Claimant however we are appealing as the Claimant has been using his own pain management specialist and psychologist. Un peu shady if you ask me!
Theeeeeen I got the train back from Liverpool street on my own for the first time ever =D So all in all a pretty amazing day ^^ Totally want to become a barrister now, only 10 years until I can apply for pupillage!!
Wednesday 20 June 2007
"I Just Want To Feel, Attractive, Today"
I'm feeling incredibly profound today; just wait until you hear my incredible thoughts for the day =D.
Ok right you know insects? How come, they can move a distance literally hundreds of times the size of their own bodies in seconds. I mean especially those tiny bugs, like those little red spiders you get on bricks? Imagine if humans could move distances hundreds of times longer than themselves that quickly. It would be really wow. Told you it was profound.
Now on to today's news and politics. I have a little bit of ignorant ranting to do!
On BBC Essex earlier (yes, don't ask me why, I never listen to Essex stations) the news said that the amount of children with clinical depression has doubled since the early 90's. 1 in 10 children (0-16/ 0-18? I don't know) has a mental illness and that this is going to have huge repercussions for all of us. I think this is BOLLOCKS. Proper hardcore rubbish. Fancy telling children they have mental illnesses! It's this whole nanny state thing we have here; I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13 and put in the priory. However, I left because I personally thought I could sort it myself and I didn't need the stigma of being attached to an institution full of people who don't know what they're talking about! I have since been diagnosed with manic depression and a possible thought disorder.
The problem I have with this is; if you tell a child they are depressed, they will get more depressed, then they get onto the never ending mill of therapy. When really all they need is a hug and some perspective on their situation. I can't believe that 1 out of 10 people in my generation is going to be screwed up by depression. It is far more likely they will be screwed up by the system. The medical profession are prescribing drugs for mental illnesses for younger and younger people and I just think they are too quick to tell children they have problems. In general, I think it would be better just to leave it for as long as possible instead of "scaring" children into becoming depressed victims for life. I reckon it has a lot to do with the fact that a lot of people pay for psychiatric help, but then, I'm a complete cynic.
Gawd. I was also going to rant about Gordon Browns new secret coalition with the lib dems, the lib labs -snorts- but I thiiiiiink I will save that for later kiddies.
Ok right you know insects? How come, they can move a distance literally hundreds of times the size of their own bodies in seconds. I mean especially those tiny bugs, like those little red spiders you get on bricks? Imagine if humans could move distances hundreds of times longer than themselves that quickly. It would be really wow. Told you it was profound.
Now on to today's news and politics. I have a little bit of ignorant ranting to do!
On BBC Essex earlier (yes, don't ask me why, I never listen to Essex stations) the news said that the amount of children with clinical depression has doubled since the early 90's. 1 in 10 children (0-16/ 0-18? I don't know) has a mental illness and that this is going to have huge repercussions for all of us. I think this is BOLLOCKS. Proper hardcore rubbish. Fancy telling children they have mental illnesses! It's this whole nanny state thing we have here; I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13 and put in the priory. However, I left because I personally thought I could sort it myself and I didn't need the stigma of being attached to an institution full of people who don't know what they're talking about! I have since been diagnosed with manic depression and a possible thought disorder.
The problem I have with this is; if you tell a child they are depressed, they will get more depressed, then they get onto the never ending mill of therapy. When really all they need is a hug and some perspective on their situation. I can't believe that 1 out of 10 people in my generation is going to be screwed up by depression. It is far more likely they will be screwed up by the system. The medical profession are prescribing drugs for mental illnesses for younger and younger people and I just think they are too quick to tell children they have problems. In general, I think it would be better just to leave it for as long as possible instead of "scaring" children into becoming depressed victims for life. I reckon it has a lot to do with the fact that a lot of people pay for psychiatric help, but then, I'm a complete cynic.
Gawd. I was also going to rant about Gordon Browns new secret coalition with the lib dems, the lib labs -snorts- but I thiiiiiink I will save that for later kiddies.
Tuesday 19 June 2007
No Big Deal..
So I didn't get bed til 2 last night because I was too busy being in love with a certain person (who is not Will if that's what you're thinking) and then I couldn't sleep because one of my pillows has disappeared.
Went to the place where I'm taking my exams on my own at 8:45 for my RS exam as usual, no-one was there, I started panicking hugely. Eventually a teacher I don't know turned up and told me I'd been sent an email about a different room, so he took me there.
I was all ready(ish) to take my Mark's Gospel exam. But No. It wasn't Mark's at all it was Christianity in the media. Now, I am not kidding when I say I know nothing about this; I left school before we covered it and I didn't look at it last night for obvious reasons. SO...I had to:
1) Explain what Christians think of the way religious leaders are portrayed in films. (8)
5) Has television replaced religion in informing people about moral issues? Discuss with reference to different points of view. (10)
Plus obviously 3 other questions on life style portrayed in the media and why the internet is good for evangelism. I had to do all this off the cuff. Not the best start to the day.
Got home and sulked. Spoke to Will for a bit, not sure why, it's pretty heartbreaking. I'm so in love with him still. And he knows it. Started telling him about my new modelling contract but he is too busy wanking over his computer to be interested
3 more exams to go. Then it's OVER!!!! Going to The Ivy on Friday I think to celebrate, should be well amaze. Must tell mummy I need something to wear -giggles-
Work on saturday, could be fun, haven't been for aaaaages. May try and see Chris pon Sunday as I think I'm a bit in love with him again -rolls eyes-
And theeeeeeeen Monday..I am going to see my uncle's barrister friend in my "business clothes". He's taking me round law London. I'm actually so excited, this may help me to decide if I really want to be a barrister or not. Just a little scared incase he tells me I'm rubbish. Anywaaaay I'm off to pretend like I have a life =D
Went to the place where I'm taking my exams on my own at 8:45 for my RS exam as usual, no-one was there, I started panicking hugely. Eventually a teacher I don't know turned up and told me I'd been sent an email about a different room, so he took me there.
I was all ready(ish) to take my Mark's Gospel exam. But No. It wasn't Mark's at all it was Christianity in the media. Now, I am not kidding when I say I know nothing about this; I left school before we covered it and I didn't look at it last night for obvious reasons. SO...I had to:
1) Explain what Christians think of the way religious leaders are portrayed in films. (8)
5) Has television replaced religion in informing people about moral issues? Discuss with reference to different points of view. (10)
Plus obviously 3 other questions on life style portrayed in the media and why the internet is good for evangelism. I had to do all this off the cuff. Not the best start to the day.
Got home and sulked. Spoke to Will for a bit, not sure why, it's pretty heartbreaking. I'm so in love with him still. And he knows it. Started telling him about my new modelling contract but he is too busy wanking over his computer to be interested
3 more exams to go. Then it's OVER!!!! Going to The Ivy on Friday I think to celebrate, should be well amaze. Must tell mummy I need something to wear -giggles-
Work on saturday, could be fun, haven't been for aaaaages. May try and see Chris pon Sunday as I think I'm a bit in love with him again -rolls eyes-
And theeeeeeeen Monday..I am going to see my uncle's barrister friend in my "business clothes". He's taking me round law London. I'm actually so excited, this may help me to decide if I really want to be a barrister or not. Just a little scared incase he tells me I'm rubbish. Anywaaaay I'm off to pretend like I have a life =D
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